Why I Want to Lose Weight

I've had a few people ask me why I started running and the simple answer is to lose weight. But there's so much more to it that that. I want to be able to fit my dobok and be a certified bad ass again. I want to be more active so I can keep up with my kids. I want to be a role model to my kids. But most importantly, I want to feel better about myself.

I dream of the day that I can look in the mirror and not hate what I see. Many days, I simply avoid looking in the mirror so I don't have to see myself. I know that when I see myself, my mood sours for the rest of the day. I pick myself apart and tell myself how much I hate this or that, how I wish I had just a little less fat here, a little more muscle there.. My inner Mean Girl comes out against my own body.

My mind still sees me as I once was - a fit, lean martial artist. When I see myself in the mirror, the reality sinks in and I realize I no longer have that body and I hate myself for it.

Not too long ago, my husband made me go though all of my clothes and give away anything from my previous body size. Why? Because every time I looked at them or tried to wear them, I started crying. I wanted so bad to be able to fit them again and when I couldn't,  it was like my soul was crushed.

It's been hard for me to adjust to the realization that I'm no longer a slim 7 to 9, but a little chunkier 14. There were even times when I really needed to go up to a 16. For over four years now I've been struggling with this. For over four years now, I've hated the person in the mirror. For over four years now, I've hated myself.

This weekend, I'm going to post my updated body measurements and pictures. I know I've gained a few pounds. I know I've lost some of my progress. I know I'm going to be discouraged and disappointed with myself. But I'm not going to let myself quit. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep pushing and keep working until I can look in the mirror and be proud of who I see reflected back to me. I'm going to keep working until I reach my goals.